Hello
8 years ago I met a boy. He was not my 'first love' but definitely the 'only one'.
If anyone saw the movie 'The notebook', well that is the story..just I married the other one..
We were together for three years.We definitely broke up when I was 20. I was in a relationship before this boy, (I'll just call him Ex) as well as in some relationships in between when we broke up, and also after him. I don't even recall the past relationships, it wasn't it so I moved on without any regret. Only my Ex.. we couldn't live without each other but neither together.
My parents are divorced from when I can remember. I was raised in hate to man. Shockingly, until the age of 18 I believed that man are useless and marriage is a sick environment that lasts only for the sake of children. I truly believed it and felt sorry for my friends that grow up in a 'full family'. i considered myself a lucky person that my parents did divorce. At some point I understood that what I consider as 'normal' is very sad and wrong. To sum up i was not taught how to love. I didn't know anything about relationships. So I didn't know how to make it work with my Ex. All the time my mood was changing. On every behaver of my boyfriend I got the ready reaction encoded in my mind. My mother taught me that man are egoists, so nearly everything my boyfriend did or not did to me was offensive. But I loved him and it was stronger then me. We spent beautiful time together, finally we broke up, for my fault, as all my reactions were always bad, at that time I didn't understand that in a relationship there are two people..I found another boyfriend, but it didn't work out, so I came back to my Ex. He couldn't manage that I was with someone else, so from then on he didn't want to be in a relationship with me, neither he wanted me for anybody else, so we hang out for about a year as 'friend with benefits'. Though we didn't date anybody else, we were not officially together, we could and couldn't count on each other as we would be in a relationship.. I stayed with him because I loved him, I didn't care for anything as long as I could be with him, he was my best friend I ever had. After a year I went on holidays and met my husband. At that point my boyfriend wanted me to come back to him and be together, but I was so tired of our relationship, history.. mess.. so my heart wasn;t happy but I did not come back to my Ex. I closed my eyes and married my husband. Currently we are 5 years married and have 2 children (3 and 4 years old). Yet before marriage I started regretting it, but it was too late.. When I understood that for real this it is over, I will never be able to be with my Ex again, my emotional world literally lived an earthquake. I cried a whole year after my marriage, each and every day. And so did my Ex. We both lived it hard. Many times I couldn't explain the tears to my husband. I got pregnant so it was some of excuse I guess.. From the beginning I didn't want to be touched or kissed by my husband. I felt guilty. I felt that I belong to my Ex.. each kiss or touch was a voice in my head ' it is not Ex'. There was no magic. Many times just a kiss could make me cry. After a year I started to manage somehow my emotions. Well I unplugged them completely.. I became a robot. I love my husband, I really do, he is a good man, father and husband. He cares, he works a lot, but I am just not in love with him. I never was and I am not sure if I ever will be. But at least I understood how relationships work.. He is a very attractive man, and yet I force myself to have sex with him. On the other side I don't find my Ex that attractive but I could land in his arms very easy.. didn't try though
My Ex did move on. Got married, have a child. It is me who is stuck in the past. All these years we stayed in touch, though not too intensive. So now I am married 5 years, my children grow up and I can't tell my husband that I am just too tired to have sex.. He gets annoyed more often for that matter.. and it of course result in general fighting.. i know it is not a problem of my libido, it is that I still, even after 5 years of marriage feel like I belong to my Ex.. So I came to the point I need to find out- is it ever going to change?? Because.. My husband is a good person, I love him, but I start thinking that he only gets more tired of this situation, we both do.. and he is still young and attractive, so maybe if I leave him, he will be able to find a women that will give to him what he deserves, attention, love, passion.. I can't do that. I love him of course, but I feel like an egoist.. I don't give him much, and I am with him, because I like him, I like his company, he is the father of my children.. but I don't give him love.. I am not in love with him..
So my question is - is it possible for me to move on.. to stop loving my Ex and start loving my husband? Or is it just a theme for a next holywood movie? Because you see.. For many years now I didn;t think much of my Ex. It was inside me though.. and now when I discovered the reason of my emotional coldness, all the emotions flew out, and it all got worser. I started to feel again, to feel pain that I lost my Ex. More than ever not want to make love to my husband.. because it reminds me of my loss.. I know it sounds childish.. it has been so long.. :/ Any idea what to do? I can only say.. I know I should let my Ex go. But I just can't. I still love him and want to love him even though I know I will never be again with him.. It already passed 5 years, it seems that all the life can pass the same, it doesnt make me bigger difference anymore.. years don't count.. I just pitty my husband.. he isn't happy enough with me - this is the general story with the least words possible to describe it.. I guess it all is much more complicated that it looks on the surface..