Thanks for the input and I hope I have not stressed anyone over my question. I have already seeked knowledge tho. this is what happen. I found someone who wants to help me, but they drive my family awayfrom eachother and me. I ended up doing it alone and for a while it was good. Until I got ill and needed medical attention. After that my life was plagued and a misery and cutoff from any benficial gain because I feel like I got used by the system. When I completed my search for knowledge thos after a year of day and night repetitive activities I finally reached and surpassed my goal even from getting ill. And now 2 years later it is getting me nowhere because people are still driven away from me. I have never felt so healthy and well driven than now and noone cares. I will try and post this if they let in the forums because they did not two other threads like this one. If I seek power I "can" handle life "on my own" without a god or wisdom or guiding light. I can reach my goals by myself without needing support or someone to talk to it's just that I need to klnow within me if it's really worth the effort and I'm not going to get buried by someone who wants a front place ahead of me for their own good and by disbenefit. I feel like if someone smiles in heaven then someone who is suffering frowns and I have frowned for long enough. thankyou.