I haven't taken St. John's Wort since May. I don't think I've been off of it this long (2 months) since I started, although I have thought I probably don't really need it in the summer. Every year there start to be days when I just feel sad and cloudy for no good reason. Each year it's earlier. 2003 was my bad year, with major depressive episodes in January-February, June, and November. That year it was late September when I started feeling the clouds (internal clouds - I wrote a poem about it) returning. In 2004 I don't remember when it started, but by October I was seriously withdrawing from everything and had no motivation. In 2005 I started feeling it in August, but figured it was triggered by the assault and problems at work. But it's only July now. This is way too soon, and it scares me.

Yesterday was even a pretty good day. There is just more that I need to do than I possibly can do (need to sell my house and move), and I'm avoiding it, and don't want to let anyone help because I will be embarassed. And I still have work, and school, and the animals (for the moment - it doesn't look like we will be able to get a place to keep them when we move), and I'm spending my evenings this week performing at a ren faire with my recorder group.

My sleep cycle is way off. I can't even get to sleep when I try now, even when I am so tired. My office was mostly closed last week, so I didn't have to get up at a set time, so I didn't go to bed until around 3, and I slept in the afternoon, and almost couldn't wake up for a meeting at 5 p.m. one day. This week I made it to morning (9:00) meetings for 2 days, and then didn't have to be there early so I slept in. Today I had to get up at 6:30 to take my daughter somewhere, and I started out okay. But I listened to an audiobook and it made me sad (the story hasn't gotten particularly sad yet - the characters were laughing and having fun). And I was sad about the dishes not being clean, and the brown sugar being dried out because it wasn't fastened, and about what I perceived as an error in a post one of my classmates made - all just a bunch of little stuff, but all I want to do is sit here and hold my cat.

Time to start up again on SJW already, huh?