Thank you for an answer. I didn't make myself clear, probably because English is not my native language and I make tons of mistakes..

I don't want to be with Ex, even if he would like to be with me, it is not possible. I wish him everything the best and a lot of happiness in his life and marriage. I am not a bad person that want to destroy others lives, actually I helped my Ex and encouraged him to fight for his wife when she wanted a divorce and he was willing giving it to her.. I explained to him what she is going through after having a baby, that she needs a support right now. And gratefully they still are together. I am just unable to love my husband and he is such a great guy.. I know I have a happy, healthy family and I thank God for this each day. I just feel sorry for my husband.. He knows that I don't love him that way.. I am almost pushing him to cheat on me.. because I use any excuse I can think of in order not to have sex with him.. and I can't force myself to enjoy it because I can't force myself to fall in love with him.. even after so many years.My husbands knows that I don't want him and when I agree to have sex I am not enjoying it too much.. and he gets angry for that reason.. If I consider a divorce it is not for me to get the freedom, it is for my husband to find a woman that can love him and to relax.. I would never take children away from my husband. Children should not be paying for the parents mistakes. If I'd take a divorce, I would stay near.. so children could see him anytime they want.. I am just afraid that I am not able to free myself from the past, and that I will never be..and I feel like I am waisting my husbands time.. I feel very selfish.. I stay with him because I exactly- don't want to stay alone.. but this is not a good reason to be married, right? If I imagine that my husband could cheat on me.. I just don't care.. It wouldn't make a difference to me.. I am not jealous at all.. I feel like both of us know that there is no love between us, but we both believed that it will happen with time, but it isn't.. and u know how it goes.. my husband doesn't feel I love him so he doesn't care of coming back straight home after work. We find a lot of reasons to be angry at each other, there is no understanding between us. And yet, as my husbands feel insecure he has horrible issues with his jealousy. He filters all of my contacts. Even when someone accidentally calls me on my mobile because of dialing a wrong number, he doesn't believe It was a mistake and makes my life difficult for at least a week after.. If he thinks that on a street I looked or smiled to some man he gets crazy, even though it is only in his mind and in reality I have no idea what he is talking about. I can't go anywhere alone, not even to the shop if a man is working there, because my husband believes that every man I meet will take me away from him.. my life is easy when I stay at home and not go outside.. but than again my husband complains that he has to do everything by himself.. and so he is always tired.. and if tired = angry..