I don't even know why I am writing this... I guess I am looking for a way to process our differences--to move past a part of her history that she has already come to terms with.

Let me explain the situation, bear with the telling:

I am 27. I lost my virginity when I was 19 to a girl my age who later became my fiancé. I was not her first. We were together for 2 years with a short break-up in the beginning. We didn't have sex for over a year, but finally... we did. I found out after some time that the short break up occurred in order that some other guy could have sex with her without technically cheating on me. Of course I forgave her, after a few minutes of nausea. Then in college we were going to get married, and a few months before it was finalized, she kissed some other guy, so I broke it off.

Only after this did I ever consider sleeping with other people. I had this summer long thing with another girl, and a single one night stand with a girl that I had known for a while that ended after about 4 seconds(if you take my meaning) before finally meeting the woman who I would eventually marry. We dated for about a year and got hitched. Yay. Well that lasted about 3 years, and then she wanted me to move out. During our separation, we both found other people. This next girl, my rebound i guess, stayed around for about 6 months, and then I ended it bc I realized we could never be happy together.

Now I found this fantastic girl(#6), who loves me, and who I plan to marry in a year, but as we get to know each other's past I find that I am having trouble dealing with how different her sexual past is from mine...

She is 21, and lost her virginity at 15 to a 20 year old. She basically dated 1 guy on and off for about 6 years after that, breaking up frequently and taking other partners to fill the gaps. Apparently she was a drunken wild one who bloomed around 17 and spent the following years using her body to get attention from different guys. For the record, I am # 13 in her book.

Now, to be clear, when I first learned about these other guys, I did not handle it well, the nauseous feeling kicked in for the night... I try to rationalize that she is a different person now then she was back then, but I find it to be difficult to fully accept and be at peace with. Some things I get. A few of these guys were people she actually knew, and cultivated a friendship with before alcohol encouraged them to get naked together. But some of them were just random guys....

The main guy that she dated and eventually married doesn't bother me. I know that long relationships bring with them a significant amount of sex. Even her friends that were repeat visitors after a while I can now accept.

My problem is this: How can someone have sex with two brothers? How can someone justify having multiple partners within hours of each other? Why is it that she can easily find a random guy to screw casually, but when challenged to do the same, I know that I could not disconnect the spiritual part of sex from the physical? How does she end up at a party hanging out with a group of 7 guys she had sex with?

The thought of these things gets to me. I love her, but hearing about the person she used to be leaves me with this pit in my stomach and the very idea of that type of promiscuity disgusts me.

I am aware that I am no saint, but it seems like we came down opposite sexual paths(I have generally had committed, lasting relationships, and she has had many casual encounters)

Here we are now, meeting in the middle, and we are perfect for each other.

But how do I put myself at peace about her past?

I feel this need to dominate these others guys in some way... I am the first guy to give her a penetration orgasm, and I am the first guy that she has successfully gone down on, and according to her, I am the only guy that she has ever felt really connected to during sex. As great as these achievements are though, I still feel like I need to win in every category.

1. I want to have sex with her more times than all other guys have combined
2. I don't want any of these guys to talk to her EVER again
3. I feel like, bc she has consented to another guy for **** before, that I need to do her that way more times than her previous total(although I have never tried it)
4. You can imagine how long this list actually is... but those are my main concerns

Thank you for taking the time to read all of this, btw.

Knowing that I am by no means sexually pure, and knowing that who she 'used' to be is not who she is now, why can't I just leave those other penises in the past? I find myself sometimes wishing I had taken advantage of the other opportunities I had in my past so that my number of partners would more closely resemble hers, as if that would help... I hate these other guys for sharing in the pleasure of her body. And more than anything else I Despise the 2 twenty-somethings that took advantage of her when she was still a minor. (Admittedly, she allowed/encouraged those encounters, but HOW DARE THEY cash in on the undeveloped sexual desire of a young teenager!) I worry that she compares me to them during sex, although she says she doesn't, and I find myself constantly fighting off images of her doing 2 random guys in a pool full of naked teens/college guys.

I know that I am MUCH MORE sexually conservative than most people my age, and especially moreso than the younger generations are. I also know that nobody is perfect, and nobody is pure. I want to get past this, so that I can love her more than I already do.

Why is this so difficult for me to deal with?

Please help me understand this viewpoint on sex that is so different from mine, so that I can put this person that she used to be in the past where she belongs.