I am thankful that I do have the most wonderful support now that I have ever had in my life. When I left my husband 5 years ago from Ca, I had NO support not even when I was going through the trauma with the home care person when my mom was dying of cancer.......I was surrounded by people who played at the look of caring but when it came right down to the actions....they weren't there. Only close family I had left after my mom died was my daughter & my H (who never was truly a H). Daughter had moved to Colorado years before. My parents were only children, so there was no other family except far removed cousins.

So I sold my mom's house (the one I grew up in) after I could finally get myself to go back in it after the trauma.....& decided to get the farm I had always wanted for my horses 2100 miles away from where I had lived all my life....in a place where I didn't know anyone & obviously had NO family.

I got involved in the horse community even though my horses were still in Ca & I'm only going to bring one anyway, I was talking to a lady at Hobby Lobby who invited me to a wonderful Bible study that changed my life even though I had been a Christian all my life.....I didn't understand what having a relationship with God was like......from there I met more women who have become a very wonderful group of friends. My pharmacist invited me to the church he belongs to in my farming neighborhood (all are in neighboring farms in the arera).....it's the first church I have ever gone to where they truly are a family & they included me in as family immediately which was even more of a shock.....the lady I met at Hobby Lobby has become my best friend, something I never had before since college days in the early 1970's & even that friend was not that close.

I get calls when they don't see me for awhile, my horse friends keep in contact....last year, I fractured my back in a bail off a horse, so was not riding much & this year with everything that I have been working on around the farm......there hasn't been the time....always felt pressured to try to cram in one more thing in my life. Friends have made sure my fields were mowed when I broke my back last year.....neighbors offer to help fix things that need fixed or the other day when I had furniture in the back of my truck I got a call to see if I was moving because of the foreclosure (not my house here thank heavens).....then they offered to help move in the furniture before I had even a chance to call them.

I really don't have furniture much in my house, a rocking chair, a coffee table & some end tables & a dining room table, a chest of drawers I brought with me & a couple that friends have given & my bed that I finally put together after several years of sleeping on an air mattress on the floor.....after my dogs punctured them & I kept ending up in the hard floor, I decided it was time to put my bed together. I brought some of my cloths...but not all, some of my craft things like my beading.....have bought all my acrylic painting things since moving here. Very few decorations other than Christmas things....but I have been truly just existing for the last 5 years just me & my 5 dogs in my house & to be honest....my dogs don't quit barking when someone comes into the house, so its not an environment that is very enjoyable for having friends over.......so I usually take food to others houses & we share having dinners that way so they don't feel that it's all them doing it.....don't like to feel like I'm taking advantage of anyone of that it's all them doing things & I'm not inviting them over. I have lost 2 of my eskies since moving here....started off with 7 & now have 5....but my 2 older ones. I'm nursing Destiny along with her heart meds & Celia had broken her leg years ago so is having a bit more trouble getting around in her older age......so I'm always here for them while Leo is my dog that has separation anxiety & can't stand to be anywhere that's not within touch mom range.

My psychologist & my DBT group has been the most wonderful support also......never had a good psychologist like this.....it was strange getting used to having support & not always trying to survive everything alone.....but it sure does feel good & all my friends are so appreciated by me.....but my house isn't one that someone could come in & stay with me....which while a nice idea, with my dogs just wouldn't work & no furniture for them so hang around on or sleep on.......so at home, I am pretty much on my own....but I am surrounded by support.

Even during the ice storm 3/4 years ago when the electric went out for a week in the middle of the winter......I woke up at 4am with a massibe panic attack......my phone range....it was my friend & she said, she was woken up in the middle of the night (by God) & she sensed that I wasn't ok & called to see if I was ok.....she stayed on the phone until the sun came up in the morning to talk me through the panic attack & then invited me to come to her house until the electric got back on a few days later. I have never felt better about my overall life....it's just the huge stressors left over from being stuck with that idiot H that I couldn't get a divorce from because of finances....the financial things he has done in the years we have been married are a nightmare. Never understood at the time how much those nightmares effected my health through the stress level & how the first anorexia was tied to that. I knew it wasn't a body image issue like the ED treatment center was trying to force on me.....but I wasn't in tune enough with myself to know just what was pushing the extreme weight loss other than I knew I didn't want to live. I knew the last anorexia was due to the trauma I went through......but all my life when any stress hit I would loose weight...but the stresses never lasted long enough for it to be a problem until the first time in the in 1995.

Having support is a new thing for me, but I appreciate it more than I ever thought I would, always being this independent person I always had to be growing up because my mother even though she didn't work & was home all the time, wasn't able to be a support because of all the things she couldn't do with her vision issues until she finally decided she could drive when I was 16 & got my own license to take care of myself....I always had to find my own ways around to do things I wanted to do.....so there was nothing much in the way of real support other than providing for my needs....now if you had asked my mom....I'm sure she would have a quite different picture of what was going on.

It's like 5 years ago, I was able to find me again, those values & the more happy person who was satisfied being me & knowing who I am.....this huge sense of peace covered me that first few weeks in my home alone 2100 miles away from all the headaches & the completely irresponsible person who had continually refused to communicate & bury himself into his own head......freedom at last was am amazing feeling then to find wonderful support people on top of that.....but it still doesn't change the fact that when stress hits, my body's reaction is to feel sick & not feel like eating......& focusing on a problem until I feel it's in a good place where I can let my thinking clam down for awhile....the longer the stressful situation exists, the more weight I loose because of the nausea & just my brain not being able to stop & go fix something to eat...brain too focused on the problem to spend time eating or sleeping...then I crash....so I have to force myself to NOT do what I feel like doing but that's not as easy as it seems like it should be.....that's why I'm still in therapy.