I try to separate the emotions from the thoughts about them. Usually thoughts about emotions are not very helpful, are judgmental in the negative and tip the balance so I can't think well about the emotion and use it to help me.

Stating the emotion and making sure I am clear what it is and where it is coming from, without judging it helps me. "I am crying because I am afraid my husband is going to leave me". I then "know" I am afraid my husband is going to leave me (a future event, which a lot of fear is about) and I can think about what I can do to in the meantime so he does not. I ask myself questions like, "Why do I think my husband might leave me, what evidence do I have to support that belief?" or, "Where is the fear located in my husband leaving me, am I afraid I cannot care for myself, am I afraid of the future? Have others left me before and my thoughts and feelings are creating an expected pattern that may/may not be there?"

I try to figure out exactly what the feeling and my thoughts are telling me, what the real problem is, and then I look for ways to work on that problem. I think about what I know of my husband (I know mine loves me and he acts like it so any thought he might be leaving me would be coming from my own thoughts and fears, not "reality") and maybe I discuss my thoughts and feelings with him. Maybe I'm unsure so I discuss my thoughts and feelings with my therapist, get an independent second take on the situation. Maybe, in thinking about why I am feeling what I am feeling, I realize that my best friend's husband just left her and I'm reacting to that.

Figuring out what I am feeling, putting a name to it and reasonable reason and thinking about where it came from and what I can do to help feel better, all those things are positive actions. Avoiding what I am feeling and trying to get away from it or giving up and crying in frustration or fear are also actions but not helpful to me. Sometimes I can get out of a nasty feeling by looking at what I am "doing" and asking myself, "Is what I am doing with this feeling right now helpful to me?"

I remember when I decided to go up on my apartment building's roof to sunbathe and had my chair, towel, glass of soda, etc. and my arms were full before I got out of my apartment. I stuck the glass rim in my teeth and the glass, being cheap, broke and I grabbed for it and jerked it such that it cut my lip and soda went all over the place, etc. My response? Sit down and start to cry Eventually I realized that wasn't getting me any closer to my goal, and that, eventually, I'd have to clean up the mess anyway. So, I got up, cleaned up the mess, got another drink and figured out a better way to deal with all I wanted to carry.

I needed to sit down and cry at that moment but have since learned to deal better with my disappointments. No one else can make me feel better, that's not their job; their job is to make themselves feel good. But, I have to be aware that I am disappointed, that I am sad, hurt, frustrated, angry, whatever before I can think about it. We don't just deal with words in therapy, they are the "language" of life; we cannot "do" without thinking and that includes being aware of, thinking about, and expressing in words (to ourselves, but we practice with our T, until we are confident we can get it right), what we are feeling. You cannot think well about what you are feeling if you do not have that feeling identified and in words. And you can't take action on your thoughts until you know what they are.

Take: "I am crying because I am afraid my husband is going to leave me".

I am crying. What good does that do you?
I am afraid. What good does that do you?

You have to put the feeling and the thoughts together until they "fit" like puzzle pieces.

"I am crying because I think my husband might leave me" doesn't do it; I think I see purple polka dots, why would I cry about that? You have to have a feeling to cry, not a thought. I think my husband might leave me, I think I'll have heartburn if I eat that piece of pizza. A thought is just a thought.

My feeling is, "I feel my husband might leave me." What does that feel like? Where does it come from? You have to then think about that feeling, put it in words, get it clear.

"I feel my husband might leave me" feels scary because I feel I cannot exist alone. Hmm. thinking about that, do I need to work on my self esteem or do I need to take action so I can exist alone or if my feeling even valid; what evidence do I have that my husband might leave me?

Feeling to thought to action to feeling to thought to action, etc. We go from inside ourselves to outside, in a circle, like locomotive wheels, to move forward in our lives.