ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH

It was my Dad's birthday so went went out for a meal and carried on drinking with him until the early hours. He asked me why I never tell him or mum about being raped.... I replied that there was no point the only result would be that they would be hurt and it wont change anything for me. I said I know that they love the bones on me and would move the world for me if you could... bless my Dad said 'We have and we always will'. Then I told him that they are not acessable emotionally, we just don't have that type of relationship. I know nothing about them and I learnt more about them over the last couple of days in terms of their past, thoughts and feelings that I ever have before. This then lead him to discuss what it was like for him when his Dad left for America when he was aged 11 and was told he would be sent for but never was. He has never talked about this before on a real level ever!!!!!

Then......

He told me that there was a lot of dark history in our family in terms of people going to prison, homosexuality, scandelous behaviour and we even have a child molester in the family and he plans to write a book one day.

I have never told them about my summer of abuse aged 9 by a member of my Mums family. My heart fell out of my stomach and I felt sick...... it runs in the genes of my Mum and Dad's family it runs within my blood, thickly within my blood. He didn't and would not tell me anymore information or who it was he just placed that wall right back up. I am numb I don't know how to process this information at all what are these secrets in my history I am never going to find out unless my Dad writes this book and what damage will this cause to me its a ticking time bomb and now it is never going to go away.

I am not sure what I am asking from you guys... but Arrrggghhhh I am freaking and need input from someone else to move or change this weirdness crawling through me. I am not sure what I am going to do, I don't know how to handle this knowledge or what it even means