Hello, Goldshift!
I find I cannot give you the exact kind of answer you request. My personal experience is different from yours, and I do not believe I possess the insight to judge effectively.
Additionally, I am not sure how useful the concepts of "cowardice" and "blame" are for understanding what you have experienced.
Quote:
I came from an abusive house where I was punished for my mental health issues from childhood up...
I went to university at 18 and got into a social group where I assumed the scapegoat role that I had as a child at home.
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You grew up in a hostile environment which forced you to develop certain survival skills - mental and emotional. Even in the new environment of college you worked with the tools and patterns familiar to you. In an extreme situation your survival skills - for better or worse - took over and you acted to preserve yourself.
Self-preservation easily overwhelms more fragile concerns.
It is regrettable you became involved with that social group. It is likely, however, your background and 18-year-old needs helped pave the way to that group.
Please, tell us more.
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My dog
mastered the "fetch" command. He would communicate he wanted something, and I would fetch it.