In reply to CgRgSm last comment,

I can say I use to please others, without exploring myself. There was and is too much pain inside and fear of rejection from others especially from the opposite sex. I am working on this through therapy and talking more to friends and writing here. I have poor coping methods, many of them isolating and they make me irritable, and hidden. Porn is the worst, I use it to numble the pain away. So bad. I don't know if you have coping methods that are troublesome like me or have trouble being selfish for the greater good of putting yourself first. I am struggling with this along with a breakup. I'm glad I can express it here and I hope to get some feedback or support from others. I hate being negative, but its part of who I am, and I've grown up with so much of it in the past, or better to say a mind that focused and absorbed more of the sadness and pain than the positive.