i have a T appt tomorrow morning. i've been every week. and trying to contact friends and do anything i can

i just still feel like i'm not even holding my ground. my whole weekend was horrible. yesterday and today. today i managed to stay out of bed but it doesn't feel like an accomplishment it feels like punishment. i was so tired all day and when i wasn't just trying to fight off sleep i was just sitting here crying. it just won't stop.

i am going to try to contact some friends again tomorrow but it doesn't seem to do much good. i just end up frustrated and even more depressed. everything makes me more depressed. trying to recapture some joy from things i used to love makes me depressed. going out makes me depressed, staying in makes me depressed. sleeping makes me depressed and frustrated but at least when i am asleep i am not suffering. i thought after a few steady days of not sleeping my body would start to get used to it but i just ended up with an even stronger urge to sleep. i keep thinking "how did i get up and go to work six months ago, i was able to stay awake then" but thinking back this really has been a problem for more than two years. i became extremely tired at work and left early, i drove myself very hard doing more work at home just to stay awake and then i would sleep early. i would sleep on the weekends too. at the time i thought it was good driving myself so hard because it kept me off of the depression but it really just ate me up. i liked the work but when the personal relationships there went to hell it was all work and no play. i would get so depressed at work and unable to talk to anyone. at some point it became a chore rather than a relief. it no longer helped me to cope and eventually i just exploded. and in the interim i have been so hurt by the whole thing and all the people there. i keep trying just to put it behind me but i keep having nightmares about work, last night i had some bad ones, and during the day almost EVERYTHING triggers a memory and makes me cry again.

sorry no paragraph breaks. i need to get to bed so i can wake up for my appointment in the morning.

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