Wow, Thanks for all of the responses!

We have talked about it. She is very open about her past, and after she volunteered some of the information I prodded until she eventually gave me a chronological list of her conquests. As to WHY she went there.... that is less clear. I know her family loved her, being the youngest of 7 kids from one parent or another, but also the only child shared between both parents. They are a kind, loving family. Honestly I think that her partying phase was initiated by the people she hung out with. Her ex-husband, who she dated on and off for basically her entire sexual career is several years older than her(although, not as old as me). He and his friends encouraged the party lifestyle, and many of the early partners occurred I believe as a kind of escape from him, who she considered to be a safe fallback option. I know that after graduating high school, she started hanging out with a girl who always threw parties and encouraged promiscuity. Acting as her best friend at the time, this girl was not really looking out for her, but more using her crazy party experiences as some kind of social currency. I also know that as a young high schooler, she was not popular, so using her body to get attention was easy enough once she grew into it...

She tells me now, that she had never enjoyed sex until me.

This is so true! over the past week or so, I am slowly finding a balance. One thing that I left out before is that she has a daughter who is almost 2. Her and the long term guy ran off and got married, as a response to his mother being too controlling, and they got pregnant soon after. I am actually very thankful for this, b/c the marriage stopped her from sleeping around, and the baby added years of maturity to her. While we are talking about this crazy her from the past, she has commented that she has lost touch with the her that is in the stories. I really believe that she has completely changed after becoming a mother. And if she hadn't, then I would not be in this situation, b/c I never would have been attracted to that kind of girl. But the person who she is now, is mature and responsible, giving, and committed to me.

1. I am not an orthodox believer of any religion, however I find it more probable than unprobable that if there are sentient beings at all, then there must be a presiding power or order that is also sentient.
2. I have no reason to believe that an omniscient, omnipresent being would find a single being's pathetic emotional quandary to be worth taking special note of.
3. It does seem however, that my journey(and her journey) is much less about individual transgressions, and more about an overall bearing in the physical world of places and in the spiritual world of wisdom and compassion.

I think that I do forgive her. Its just that there are moments when I fall from my high-horse of forgiveness and compassion into this dark place where b/c I have harmed people in the past, I deserve a companion who has been used or that did not respect their body. For me it is less of a God thing and more like Karma is returning to me exactly what I have set myself up for.

But I take your point. Our beliefs are different, but what you say is true. IF I LOVE HER, TAKE HER AS SHE IS. After all, she does that for me, no questions asked. We actually had a great night last night, and it was only 2 of us. No one from the past was tormenting me while we made love.

I just don't understand the notion of 'toys' as you put it. Sex is always to me paired with the feelings of a relationship. Without the spiritual connection, there is no reason for me to have sex at all. That is not to say that I don't have my own issues with lust/masterbation. I view that part of me as 'my dark passenger', if I may quote dexter. It is always there in the back of my mind, wanting to objectify women as eye candy or whatever. perhaps that is where the insecurity comes from regarding her past. I am male, and with that comes the urge to... screw any/everything that moves. I am not okay with this, and have never been. I associate feelings of shame with what my body tells me is a NEED, and my mind tells me is a terrible way to view women. I realize that my view is not the majority view--with hook-ups, free love, and general sexual freedom being the prevailing viewpoint. But I don't understand how people are ok with expressing this lust/animal nature. And when I think about her being so free with her body, my body wants me to go to my own place of lust and to objectify her and view her as dirty and to be used sexually.

and, yes, I know that sounds just really terrible. I don't like it, and I don't want it. I know that there is no fulfillment to be had from sexualizing her. I am in love with the sweet, caring her--not the easy, raunchy version of her that I created in my mind.

Yes. To her, most of these were people that she wanted. b/c when she was 15 she thought the 20 year old waiter was hot, b/c she wanted an escape from her stagnant relationship, and some of her peers were in the right place at the right time. some were 1 time instances with people who had been friends, and who she allowed herself to be vulnerable to. Some were mistakes from a dark time in her life, which she regrets.

I have my own friend who shared my vulnerability, and I have my own dark moments. And to clarify the 'one night stand'--this girl really liked me, and we were alone at her house 1 night, and we started to have sex, but the thought of being with someone who I wasn't really close to got to me, and it ended prematurely--to my embarrassment, and possible luck.

To her, her past is the story of how she didn't feel that sex was really a sacred thing after giving it up to the statutory rapist(even though she consented at 15, she was drunk and he should have had a bit more respect for her). She could easily control her long term boyfriend/husband with sex and just in general, and knew early on that she wanted more. So she got more, from others before getting him to take her back. They broke up for an entire summer, and she went on her dark promiscuous journey, realizing during this time that she did not really recognize/like the person she had become. then follows marriage and baby, and in stagnation, their divorce. Then comes me, who she claims she knew she would marry before we really got to know each other. AND WE, are good for each other. Beyond any comparison to past hook-ups or relationships.

Thank you for the idea. That story sounds like it ends well.

NO, absolutely not. She told me that when she was married before, that she would always be looking at other guys. but with me, she doesnt want to look at anyone else(with exception to channing tatum.)

I understand that most people would prefer not to drag out their emotional baggage to a new partner. To me though, in order to love someone, I need to understand them, and I need them to understand me. I need everything out on the table, and for us after the past few weeks, it really is. And I feel closer to her than I ever thought possible. I assumed after my divorce that I would never find love again/that I did not deserve to find it. But here it is, so unexpectedly.

I really appreciate all of your input. I had no idea what to expect, venting my problem into cyberspace, but this has been very therapeutic for me(the act of actually putting my concerns into words, and viewing my situation from your perspectives)

Thank you. I would love to hear any other thoughts.