i just keep getting either bad news or some new source of extreme disappointment that punctures me.

i've tried to reach out for help but i just get more and more depressed. i cry in the supermarket now even when i am shopping. i'm eating less i am just forcing myself to eat as much as i can. i odn't know if i already told about my dad and the pharmacy. now i am worried about running into him at the store and if that happens it will be a scene and it will be another level of hell. i hate having to be watching over my shoulder just when i go to pick up some milk and bagels. i can't relax anywhere.

and today i got more news from a group of "friends" that made me feel even worse, on top of my depression and difficulty with the weekend. i can easily just stop accepting email from them. but then i will be isolated, and that's no good either. i've already stopped completely answering my phone but that has been a problem with me forever. i just never ever happens that i call someone or someone calls me or emails and i end up feeling a little better. it is always worse. so i'm isolated anyway even if i let anyone in.

i'm still going to bed. going to shut off now and rest for the doctor tomorrow. if i end up in the hospital i won't be able to post. i don't want to go to the hospital again but just in case i'm "missing" that's why, it would probably be a week like last time.

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