So the past few days have been extremely trying. Thinking too much has created so many questions that so want the answers to right now. For instance, is this as far as going to go in my life?....Is therapy ever gonna help me? Will I ever be able to smile and laugh without feeling intense quilt? How much longer will feel so depressed that taking myself out of the pic. seem like the only answer?

As I sit here typing this I have an overwhelming sense of sadness feeling. I have been feeling this way a few days now and have tried doing this to occupy my mind, however it's not working. Don't even answer the phone or call anyone cause I don't really know what to say or have anything to say. PPl try and cheer me up, that's not working anymore. Every moment seems to seem worse and more sad than the moment before.

I listen to music through headphones at night while trying to sleep to drown out the noise in my head. I read a book that takes my mind off myself for a while before bed as well, just to go right back to my head when i put the book down for the night. Have been journaling again, thinking maybe that will help the head to be clear and able to relax some to go off to sleep. None of this is working atm.

I have been off meds for a few months now, and really don't have any intention of going back on them. I do take something for anxiety and am finding have to take more to be able to calm some. Medication hasn't worked for me in the past and thinking the docs just gave them to me just to dope me up and get me to sleep some.

I don't remember the last time felt this sad and hopeless about life and myself. I think of my brother often and what it's like and if he is at peace. I want to feel peace and be able to breathe normal. I don't even know if I know the feeling of being happy or content. Seems that when things may start to look up something happens that kicks me back down farther than before.

I know in the back of my mind that giving up would hurt ppl. I know the hurt that when my brother gave up caused me as well as others. I just am not sure if staying is worth it. It's not fair to my family and friends that I am this way and they deal with it and they shouldn't have to live that way either.

Just not sure how much longer can fight this....if that what is even doing? I am just so tired of this and myself.

Thanks for listening.
hugs,
Jen