I'm no expert but it sounds like PTSD to me (I have it). I used to rage at boyfriends and then after a while in therapy, realized I was substituting them for my parents. In my particular situation, they were alcoholic and neglected the children daily. Your situation could be something you experienced with your father around the time your mother died perhaps?? Just guessing. Were you possibly molested? Please forgive my suggestion if it is rude or out of line. However, once widowed, men often victimize a daughter or other female innocent because of their absent wives. Is this perhaps anything that you might have blocked? I only recently, after 58 years, realized that my mother used to beat me. It was the key to my depression I have suffered all my life, as well as poor self esteem. Now, all the puzzle pieces fit finally for me and I have gone on with my life.

I hope this helps and that I have not offended you in any way. Only good intentions........Lots of hugs

PS: I'm a grad student in Professional Counseling but not licensed yet. So this is my disclaimer. I would do what was suggested and get into therapy ASAP.