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This is just me putting it out there yet again what and why I feel the way I do and really it’s just jumbled emotional rant.
I know you’re not meant to mention this next thing and well I only ever hint at it if I bring it up. My whole life is just that of one where ending it is the only right thing to do for myself, for others close to me, for those who I just indirectly impact. Sure argue all you like it’s so call in my head, assuming things, reading between lines or globalizing, second guessing but that’s what the rest of you and others, T just tell me to put me at bay … really this is like being put on hold when you phone that bill company how many times have you been put on hold and still that’s all that ever will happen the next time you call. However when trying to deal with myself and emotions etc. just leaving it is just as bad and being put on hold by those who try to help and then again when that doesn’t work it’s just all your own fault again for not giving it enough go or just wasn’t the right time etc.
I have had it with the constant tears and shaking and head ache and other things that you don’t want to mention to your doctor let alone online…However I will just this time of having over two week of stomach upset is just enough to make anyone feel utterly disgusting let alone you feel that bad without any psychically side effects to back it up what you think and feel anyway. This is brought on from anxiety provoking thoughts and situations and only occurs at those times.
I am sick of the constant guilt but still that’s never enough and nothing ever will be because I am just a horrible and disgusting waste of existence and life. There is only one thing I don’t get, I don’t want to live or care for living but I can’t end my living. I am too scared. why? I guess I like to punish myself and living like this and carrying on doing this is a hell of a punishment.
There is nothing good or nice about me I am just inferior and evil so it seems I hate being around others when all that happens is a guilt trip of there doing this or that and blah blah blah and there horrible me who can’t cope and just should remove themselves to save the other people from seeing or being around such a disgusting and horrible person. The worse thing is I agree with them but I can’t ever change or rewrite what’s happened and moving on from this point in any hope of changing this is next to nothing and that’s never going to happen for me.
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