I first started cutting to see if I was really alive and could feel anything. I kept myself very separate from any emotion at all and rarely expressed anything.

Then it progressed to doing it because of anxiety, because I had "done something wrong and was such a loser" that I had to punish myself for my stupidity. I would actually go into trances and simply keep cutting. Afterwards, when I really realized what I had done, I was horrified and never let people see what I had done.

It finally dawned on me, thanks to my former T, that cutting is a short term solution to the problem and that not expressing feelings will only cause more issues. I have not cut in several months although I keep a mini-safety knife on my keychain........and every now and then it does cross my mind.

My fear is I won't stop next time.