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I do agree that feeling like this is very paralyzing. I felt a lot of empathy reading your post as I have been where you are now. It know it sounds glib, but there is hope. There is light at the end of this long tunnel. I will keep you in my thoughts.
Sending you lots of strenghthening vibes.
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Crying isn't a sign of weakness. It's a sign of having tried too hard to be strong for too long.
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