There is one absolute law in life: Change will occur!

Whether we like it or hate it, changes will still occur throughout and beyond our lifetimes. The trick is to accept that fact and work towards making little positive changes within your world. Are your current tactics working for you? It doesn't sound like they are making you real satisfied with your life.

Maybe you should therefore try something that you would ordinarily resist ~ reach out for help from professionals, to help you get to a better state of mind. Hopefully, that will give you more strength to slowly try a couple other small changes within your life. And the train (you) keeps chugging, making the trip (life) easier and more enjoyable.

I'm not saying that going to the hospital will immediately turn your life around. It will get a better picture of what the problem/s is and come up with plans to help you work through the problem/s.

It doesn't sound as though you have a clear head right now. More like you're kind of stuck in the negative side of life. (I know that side very well myself. ) Gentle hugs to you...