Hello all,

First, I apologize for not being around much or offering much support. I've been traveling and been super busy. I'm hoping that y'all will forgive me and possibly help me out here.

I had something happen this weekend, and while I emailed my T about it, it's still bothering me...even more so now that I've gotten her response. I'm hoping someone else has had a similar experience or can offer some insights, or just some support.

As a kid, my father was an alcoholic. With a little alcohol, he was more friendly and outgoing than normal...with a little more, he became snide, cutting, obnoxious, and made hurtful comments. He was never violent towards me but he still scared me. I think some of that fear was in just knowing that he was different and not knowing what to expect. As a result of his behavior and my own extreme need for control, I've never been one to drink alcoholic beverages. When I realized the effect even a small amount of alcohol had on my already existing anxiety, depression, and OCD, I swore off alcohol entirely.

Last weekend, I had a craving for a glass of wine. Just one...but I never actually crave an alcoholic drink. I wasn't anxious or depressed, a glass of wine just sounded nice. So, I went to the store, bought a really good bottle of wine, came home and had a glass. That glass lasted a good 2 hours (I drank half of it, set it down and forgot about it for a while). After I finished it, I was tempted to have a second glass, but that desire caused me to panic, and then I freaked out about having that first glass. I'm completely upset with myself for having the wine. I'm completely freaked that I wanted more than one glass. I'm disturbed by the urge I had to have an alcoholic drink, and that I gave in to that urge. I was so upset by this that I emailed T. I felt foolish after I emailed her, as I realized that I'm probably totally overreacting.

I've realized that my childhood has left me with some seriously skewed ideas of what is or is not something to be concerned about. My T confirmed this when she said that in our next session, we could talk about when it's appropriate to be worried and when it's not (specifically regarding drinking). I just feel like a total freak for not understanding this and for being as worried as I am. I get upset when a friend has more than one drink out, even though I know they aren't drunk. I dislike going to bars because it scares me to be around intoxicated people. I know that my response is completely out of proportion, and that just makes me feel even more screwed up.