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PurpleFlyingMonkeys · Aug 06, 2012, 07:00 PM

I spoke to t yet again on Wednesday about my concerns of it being schizophrenic and not DID. He assured me that he and my PDOC are 100% convinced that it's not schizophrenia or psychosis but is in fact DID and PTSD.

I've stopped smoking marijuanna 8 weeks ago. But I don't feel different. That "high" I felt is not gone, I still feel the exact same as I did when I was smoking marijuanna, only it's harder to eat and relax now. But my head feels the same, which leads me to believe the marijuanna wasn't causing the symptoms. I haven't touched it in 8 weeks and don't plan to for quite a while. While I can see the benefits, it's been too long since I smoked last and I remember when I started smoking. Blackouts, and everything seemed like it was in frames of a movie of some sort. Like I would be watching TV and when someone would say something to me, I'd look at them and it would be as if I were changing "scenes" and I would look the other way when someone knocked on the door and it was like I changed "scenes" again. That's the best way I can figure to explain it. But it took so much energy feeling like everything changed every time my eyes moved to something else that I would have to sit back with my eyes closed until it wore off a bit. Eventually that stopped and the blackouts became less, and I'd just dissociate a lot.

But 8 weeks later I'm dissociating the same, and nothing seems to have changed but my appetite and relaxation. I had dissociative issues LONG before smoking marijuanna though. And when I first tried it (years after multiple blackouts and dissociative episodes) it always felt like I was drunk when I would smoke. Drugs don't effect me like they do others.

But I'm away from marijuanna and all other illegal drugs. I'm however considering rescheduling with my PDOC to try and get on Ativan or Valium for night time. 4 times this week I have been trying to fall asleep and then start to hear them talking (internally) about nonsense, places I've never been to or thought twice about, things I know nothing about etc. But the thing that gets me is without even realizing when I start to hear them I hold my breath. I don't realize it until moments later and I'm gasping for air, thus causing mild panic attacks. I had too many to count last night, and today my nerves have been on edge partly due to lack of sleep and partly due to the night ahead and if it will happen again.

I'm just a mess of problems. Wish there was a shepphard Pratt near me