I think what others may think may alter the way I deal with the guilt of smoking and drinking. I also think it's true that some may be affected drastically by a joint or a beer, but for others it may not be that big of a deal. I remember back in my using days alcohol was also a huge part of my life, and thanks to being drunk and passing out many times, I think horrible things may have happened to me and I don't remember. I can never really tell for sure. Plus I was in a hospital for four days for almost killing myself from alcohol poisoning. I was found in a bath tub (I was 14) covered in my own vomit and my lips were blue. I was choking on my own vomit and almost suffocated. Plus the hang over incident in the court house bathroom that led me to the beginning mf my lock up years. I know for a fact alcohol was a problem for me. But ever since the alcohol poisoning I never drank nearly as bad as I used to. I haven't drank liquor since then, just beer.....nasty beer.

I think the reason I feel as though I'm losing is because of gained control over all this....weed, beer, the soft stuff and the hard stuff, for a very long time. I felt no need to euphorically be high and be stoned in order to have a good laugh. Now it seems I'm only extra happy and giddy, playful with my kids, when I'm stoned. My husband and I started off smoking maybe a 30 once a month. Now it's gone to a 30 every week, which is very costly.

Marijuana is not physically addictive, and to be honest, it's not much of a mental addiction either. Cigarettes are more powerful then pot. But feeling pathetic and allowing the fact that in order to feel alive I need to be stoned. In order for a walk down to the library to be interesting I need to be stoned, and in order for music to sound extra aesthetic I need to be stoned. Maybe it has nothing to do with pot and the high, maybe it's my sadness on the other side that feels the need to get stoned.

That;s why I feel like a loser in this fight, I used to be strong.