That sounds so tough, Retro. Now is when you really need the therapeutic relationship to "hold" you. My first therapist didn't know how to do that, and the whole thing crashed & burned. Imploded. But my 2nd therapist knew how to do that. It was the most amazing experience - to be in so much anguish over indescribable inner conflict... and to leave that session feeling wrapped up in a warm and tender blanket. She eventually explained it to me. And I experienced it over and over again. The relationship held my fractured pieces together.. until I was constitutionally strong enough to integrate those pieces and hold them together myself. And all of that took place without her ever touching me.

I wish that for you, Retro.. because that's what it sounds like you need.