i see. sounds to me like you are starting to think that your pot usage might be starting to be a problem in your life:

> Now it seems I'm only extra happy and giddy, playful with my kids, when I'm stoned.
> My husband and I started off smoking maybe a 30 once a month. Now it's gone to a 30 every week, which is very costly.
> in order to feel alive I need to be stoned. In order for a walk down to the library to be interesting I need to be stoned, and in order for music to sound extra aesthetic I need to be stoned.

Sounds like you use kind of as an escape / enhancement to life. When it becomes a habitual way of coping / dealing with life... Then it can start to be a problem, yeah.

I think there is a difference between using occasionally. Using socially. Using small amounts to medicate for sleep... And using habitually as a coping strategy or using just to get through the day to day stuff. But that is a distinction I've drawn for myself. You might be able to draw a better one for you.

> Maybe it has nothing to do with pot and the high, maybe it's my sadness on the other side that feels the need to get stoned.

Yeah. For me it was about numbing some of the unpleasant feelings... I used to escape some of those feelings... I'd get high and feel numb and / or good.

But as a long term strategy... I think the pot dulled my emotions so that I couldn't enjoy life anymore unless I was really very stoned. I guess it is similar to how benzos can have a useful anti-anxiety (or sadness) affect when used occasionally in moderate dosages or how they can come to control your life as you build up a tolerance and need more and more as they become your habitual way of getting through the day.

Hardest time is when you only just stop... While your body is detoxing.

> That;s why I feel like a loser in this fight, I used to be strong.

You aren't a loser sweetie. I think you are a winner for seriously thinking / having seriously thought about this.

Are you in councelling? Maybe it would help to talk about some of the pain? Some of the stuff you are distracting yourself from? Other ways of coping too...