Well I'm writing this with the nausea and chest pain I get after I've had a big day.
Yesterday I was the perfect mother. Nothing was an issue. I cleaned the house with such voracity unseen in the last 2 years, I dusted, vacumned and mopped, moved the girls furniture around in their bedroom, started the washing and I went and saw a lady to care for the twins for 2 days a week through family day care. Made dinner and then went to the gym.
Today I woke up to my mother staring at me from the hallway and when she saw I was awake stated she was going to work. I got out of bed a bit wierdded out, the twins were in the loungeroom in their high chairs having their brekky. I made some brekky and mother dearest stated that she could go to lifeline when the twins are at daycare. I thought hold up I'm not putting them in care to make YOUR life easy. I'm putting them in so they can be around positive role models and other children and not have to be screwed over by YOU. No I didn't say it I thought it, then I walk into the loungeroom and Igrayne has covered the loungeroom floor with juice.
I saw red and I cleaned it
I popped the kids in the backyard to explore and for fresh air while I was doing the washing got onto social services via the net and tried to find out whether I can claim child care rebate for daycare to no avail because we earn to much
Called the hubby and discussed money issues inorder to organise monies for daycare and ask about whether he has started putting funds into our joint account and stumble across a bill of his which is overdue because he leaves it up to me to deal with no communication apparently I told him I wanted complete control of the finances and I don;t remember that.
Paid a partial payment to the bill and then I realized I needed to call our bank to organise telephone banking and get told that I can still use my old id and password from my original accnt for the new account which doesn't make sense which confused me so I said don't change a thing
Then I tried to get my name on the new card that they sent for the 2nd time with my name spelt wrong and he said that it would be cancelled new card sent however I then would need to wait 5 days for a new pin. So in the long run I can't use the account therefore I won;t put money into it unless i can access the money easily enough. Massive IMPASSE!
I rang up the husband and just lost it I said some cracked things and I can't remember it all. All I know is I saw my daughter asleep on a chair and was popping her into bed when my husband came home in tears saying that he loved me and that he would do anything for me and he wanted no one esle but me
So I'm thinking what the hell happened.
After he left and the conversation we had I smoked 30 cigarettes in 3 hours and kept hearing johnny cash in my head singing "I hurt myself today to see if I could bleed"
So basically I'm depressed and anxious and feel like I'm having an inferior heart attack.
I'm worried that I'm going to ruin everything