Hi all, first post,

I'm having a really hard time coping with, and trying to find out, what's going on with me.

This is the first time I've ever reached out to discuss this with anyone beyond my very closest friend, but I'm under the impression my mental condition is deteriorating. I've done very little research on the topic mostly because I'm terrified of what I might find. I was diagnosed with SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder) when I had a mental evaluation due to anger issues, anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts before I was 10. I believe I am a Highly Sensitive Person. I am 19 years old and I cannot recall a majority of my childhood from the ages of ~5-16, I can't even tell you the name of a single teacher I had throughout middle school, or how I acquired a broken nose at some point within that time frame. I rarely recall dreams, but when I do they're violent, gruesome, disgusting, disturbing, and sometimes sexually deviant. I know I was sexually active at a very young age (since before I can remember), and never questioned it until last night.

Most of the time, I feel relatively normal.. With a standard range of emotion that everyone is equipped with. However, when I'm placed under heavy stress conditions my emotions.. Dissolve? Dilute? I can become unintentionally/uncontrollably completely blank, as if I am not myself for a short while. To use an analogy.. If your emotions are weapons, mine are sometimes wielded by someone else and are completely unavailable to me at that time. Other times I feel my emotions are like a color wheel, flipping randomly and quickly through various emotions for no reason. Also, sometimes only select emotions will be missing from the arsenal..

This last week was extremely stressful, with a variety of life-issues and traumatic events such as financial trouble, my Father breaking his neck in two places (he is recovering well), former roomy trouble/drama, and a few other things. It was last night when I started to feel complete despair about my life, which isn't something I can even recall feeling before as my emotions tend to change so abruptly and extremely in those stressful circumstances that I can hardly focus on one, and it was an oddly familiar feeling. I began questioning the familiarity of this feeling, I then started recalling memories left and right, and having flashbacks to very specific parts of my early childhood, namely St. James church where I can now vividly recall being sexually abused on at least one occasion.

After learning all of this I began to feel myself sort of slipping away, as if I was falling into myself, my memories melting away.. Things became hard to focus on, my surroundings became dim, I couldn't speak, and I felt as though I had to struggle to keep my head above water.. That feeling you might get when you stand perilously close to the edge of a deadly cliff, as if my very personality was in jeopardy. Then suddenly, I snapped back to my old self. I can consciously observe my mind trying to rationalize everything as a misunderstanding or joke but those flashbacks were far too vivid and revealing, which makes me quite fearful for whatever other events may have occured in my past. For now, until I feel I am stable, I've made a point to avoid questioning it.

When I asked my Mother this morning about any traumatic events I may have had as a child she became oddly defensive, I can't tell if that's because she thought I was accusing her or because she is withholding information from me but things do not add up. I believe I should talk to a professional ASAP, but I'm curious as to your speculations.