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i just had long conversation with my friends, she is wondering what makes me stay so long this time at my parent house ( the answer is money), my mother is very abusive physically and emotionally, there is no day in this house where we live in peace theres always something that anger her, me my father and my sister try our best not to be at the same room as her for more than 5 min because she will start being crazy, everyday is a war in this house its like madness house and like today she had a huge fight with my sister and almost beat her ...
few days back , she is talking to me about someone who beats
their children and gave comment " thats crazy how could someone did that to their children" andme i hate it when people talking bad about someone elses when they also did the same thing , so i tell her " you did that to us" and she start denied that and it makes me so angry so i show her the scars on my forehead (she hit me with sauce bottle when i was a kid) she started making an excuse and iam so angry so i just walked away
until now i still have a doubt, a lot of the time i think the abuse never happened its just me imagining it because she always denied it and i always confused about my feeling for her i dont think i ever hate her , i love her and i wanted her to love me too, all this time i make my self believe she is not her when she did all the bad things to us and thats why she dont remember it , but lately i really curious to know is she really dont remember it because she was not her when she did that to us? or she remeber it but she in denial?
i am so scared that i would becoming her, i never want to be like her .. but what if i do?
i keep telling myself everyday that iam not her and i wont be her, but what if she dont remeber what she did its because she was not her ? and someday maybe i could be like that too , iam not me and did all the things that she did to us ?
even to think about this make me really sick
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As long as people aren't asking me if i'm all right, i am alright.
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