(((puffypure))),

I am sorry that your mother is such an unstable presense in your life. When we are growing up and our minds developing a sense of who we are and our value, we do depend on our parents to send us positive messages that say we are loved and worthy to live and we are also smart enough to continue on and flourish in life.

Unfortunately if we do not get these "positive" messages from our parents, we do get very confused as to our self worth and how well we will be able to live our lives. A parent who sends us mixed messages can do us a lot of harm in how we view life and ourselves so much that it can cause us to lose our interest or desire to thrive. Our parents need to water our spirit and personal senses, like we would provide water for a plant to grow. So our healthy sense of "well being" lies with how our parents or parent or guardian show genuine interest, respect and consistent dependable love to us.

Your mother being untruthful and her history of abuse (that she denies) towards you, has sent you mixed messaged that are confusing you, and this is what you are expressing here in this thread.

So what can someone do when a parent, whom they depend upon for a sense of their well being and deserving of a quality life is not providing a needed "nurturing"? What that person has to learn to recognize is that he/she has to look for other "mentors" that can help him/her to feel and believe in themself. And these "mentor like people" can be found in different places, mostly the places that revolve around the learning environment, mentors that are "active" and "pursuing life" themselves.

It is important to understand that when a parent or guardian is not providing the right nurturing, it doesn't mean that "a productive, positive" life can not be attained. You don't have to allow yourself to believe that a parent is the "most important source" for your "nurturing" and "permission for personal developement" and you don't even have to be "anything like your parent" THE REAL CHOICE IS "YOURS".

puffypure, what you are discribing in your mother is the truth about "how you see her" and you already know that she is "not a very good supportive mother" and you sure don't want to aspire to the kind of person your mother is right? So don't!

We do not have to "like the people our parents are" we can have a love for a parent, but we don't have to take after them or even "accept their beliefs or attitudes". In fact the overall plan in humans by design is to "be better than a parent". A parent is suppose to give us their knowlege and we are suppose to take what we feel is productive and "do better than the parent". But our doing better than a parent is not equated in monetary success, it is more in learning what "not to do" and "not to make the same mistakes in our lives as our parents did. So often it can be quite obvious when we view a parent that behaves like your mother, can be dishonest, or have other poor social skills and even be somewhat "ignorant" that there are qualities we do not want to have ourselves.

puffypure, you have every right to NEVER BE LIKE YOUR MOTHER. Just because a parent is bad or abusive, doesn't mean we are destined to be the same. We each have the right to our own way to exist.

So, puffypure, ease your mind, set out to look for positive mentors that can show you how to invest in yourself, you ARE worth it.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes