((((Tinkerbell))))

I know that words can't possibly help you through this intense pain that you feel inside. I wish that I could say something that might help you!

For me, the death of my grandma (on mom's side) was the worst that I've endured so far. (I've lost more than a few) I bawled harder and longer than I have in my entire life!! I was completely inconsolable. Somehow, my grandma had the sweetest, most positive, and encouraging attitude towards everyone in the family. It was amazing to me that she held that power. Especially while her husband (my grandpa) was SO very abusive towards everyone ~ physically & emotionally. Grandma held us together ~ birthdays, every holiday, we were always there. It has been 19 years since she passed, and I still can't describe the sorrow that Grandma's death brought up inside of me.

As time passed, the pain did become less intrusive. I do try to keep the positive memories in mind, and shove the negatives associated aside. It isn't easy because so much pain occurred right there with sweet little memories. But, it's necessary to remember that I did have her love and affection.

I am sure that your mom knew that you love her. While you may not have been with her as much as you wish that you were, she still knew inside. Coming from an abusive household is hard. You are an adult and needed extra space and safety. I can't believe that she held that against you. Please try to give yourself a break. Grieving is never fun or easy, but it is necessary. Perhaps there are some local support groups that meet to talk about their loss and help each other through the process.

I think that meeting with others physically would be more helpful than online. Jmo. Either way, we're always here for you to talk with. Gentle hugs to you, Tink.