Your feelings aren't real unusual. Depression often makes these thoughts appear to be facts. But, they aren't facts. They are merely feelings that you are fighting right now. I've chronically fought thoughts like these for years, but every now and then, I can see that I'm wrong!

Times like those are reminders to me to keep holding on ~ keep fighting my impulses, talk with my T about how I'm feeling, and go to the hospital when my temptation to end my life becomes overwhelming & feels more and more intense (with planning in my head). When you're planning, you need help asap.

Either way, sound like you should seek help from a T. When thoughts like those pop up in your mind, push them back out immediately. You can fight these thoughts!