I really don't know if I'm looking for some opinions or just moaning here. I'll write it down and I suppose we'll see. I'll keep this as brief as possible, and I'm using bipolar terms in my history for ease of description. Weight losses/gains approximate.

I was diagnosed Bipolar nearly a year ago. I'm 36.

I had trouble with depression from my early teens. Forward to late teens and was heavily into binge drinking. Quit drinking, then became hypomanic, lost 70lb, then became manic/delusional (got the really embarrassing scars), then crashed into a serious, long lasting depression. Put on 84lb.

Gradually climbed out of that, then got some short bursts of hypomania and lost 70lb. Double suicide in the family (which just confused things), still high, became manic, delusional, dangerous to myself and promiscuous. Crashed to depression. Put on 84lb.

There were a couple of mini-cycles of hypomania followed by depressions (but I could still work) with attendant weight losses/gains of around 45lbs. No delusions.

After a short period of long-lasting mild depression, had a few bursts of hypomania again and lost 70lb, before becoming manic, delusional, promiscuous and dangerous to myself again. Crashed to depression, and put on around 90lb.

So, there I am, depressed, and after being referred for the nth time to see a counsellor, I decided I'd get to the bottom of these depressions (I always thought I was "better" when I was hypomanic/manic). With the help of the counsellor, I went back through my history and created a timeline, explored old diary entries where I made specific reference to missing the "high" and being on a rollercoaster (news to me, even though I wrote it myself), and realised it might not be as simple as mere depressions.

Together we pieced it together, I went to my GP, got referred to a psychiatrist, and was diagnosed. Ok. Or so I thought.

And I know I shouldn't discount life experiences, especially over the past couple of years. I really know I shouldn't... but... I really got to know my cycle. I graphed it myself. I can see it right now in front of me going back twenty years. Some of those cycles are devoid of triggers as far as I can see, especially the big ones.

Now I am medicated, and supported, and... been stuck in a severe depression for nearly two whole years. I keep waiting for a burst of hypomania that never comes. I stopped taking Depakote in the hope that something will change. I've never had such a sustained lack of energy. I was never particularly adherent with AD's before, now I am, and it just seems to be having the opposite effect to that intended.

My mood... my mood is just what it is. It's feeding off the lack of energy in a neverending circle. I just can't climb out of this one, and I want to, just because armed with what I know, the next cycle might not be so detrimental. There are things in place, and with just a little energy, I can learn to manage so that perhaps I don't go all the way down ever again. But it never comes.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong. The cycle has stopped dead, leaving me in this place, and who can live like this? No one. If it weren't for my mother supporting me I'd be dead by now or be sleeping rough on the streets with no hope.

Please, something change...

Can anyone relate to this? Does anyone have any idea what is going wrong/keeping me here? I'm so lost.