Dalila, I can relate to having trouble getting to the anger and can certainly relate to self-destructive behavior. We don't deserve this and you certainly deserved better than you got in life.

I have two suggestions that might help with your therapy. I would try going back to what you have written about what happened to you and then add some statements after each one that put responsibility where it belongs. Like this: "I may have been late, but I deserved a hug not a beating. I was not wrong -- she was. I am angry at her for doing this to me." Then trying saying it out loud. In my experience, the words come out before the emotions do, so I would repeat my statements each day until the emotions started to show in my voice. I really think it's important to add these statements to put everything in the right adult perspective today and to help direct you towards anger you have a right to express but were too afraid and intimidated to express when you were abused. I also think doing it this way keeps the exercise from being more than just a re-living of the original horror.

Also, writing can be a very logical exercise. I encourage you to ask you therapist to help you with other more expressive exercises that are emotionally-based. Drawing feelings with crayons and construction paper, molding things into clay -- these types of "hands on" exercises usually draw the emotions out. Just keep your supports with you when you do this stuff so you don't have to handle the emotions alone.

Hope these thoughts help.

Be well,

mtd