Went to therapy today. The pressure is on and I need to make a decision on whether or not to relinquish my control over my emotions. Apparently this is the bit that makes T successful... it will only be successful if I relinquish the control I have over my emotions. I need to make a decision within the next week.

Trouble is, my control over my emotions = my self esteem. My whole self concept is based on it. My history is based on it. My whole being is based on it. My LIFE is based on it. Everything is based on it. So if I get rid of it, I die (figuratively). I have to kill myself for therapy to be successful.

Needless to say, its a tough decision. You see, if I do get rid of this control (which I have taken 30 years to perfect), and I die, and T is successful then that is all well and good. But if it is not successful, I am basically ruined. The whole rest of my life will be absolutely ruined. Therapy only has a certain % success rate, and it is very small. So basically the odds are that I will kill myself for nothing. That is why I am having a hard time deciding here. If therapy had a 100% success rate then this would be an easy decision, but it doesn't.

If I do not relinquish control then nothing changes. My life is unmanageable atm. So I just just do it, right? But the problem is, if T is not successful (which statistically it probably won't) then the alternative is so much worse and I will be kicking myself for being such a sucker in the first place. But then there is that small percentage that it could work and that would be the end of my depression that I've had all my life. Logically, I would be an idiot to throw away my whole life for a small percentage. But that small percentage (if I were to fall within it) would be very good.

ARgggggh! I can't decide!