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@Shattered sanity I hope you are well yourself and feel you can reach out when you need to.
@Perna re it’s doing what feels right instead of what you think to be right. Nothing is right or feels that way for me. Every time I do something nothing fits feel good in anyway. It’s always I should not have been there or I am in someone else way. Like it would be right for them to do that but for myself I feel as if I am never where I should be and I think I missed my chances long ago for feeling right for doing something in the moment rather than backing up that thing with right reasoning. I don’t consider there being a time when I will feel I am doing what feels right for myself anytime soon or in the future.
@Shezbut re change will occur. I know change happens and before I always valued myself as a person open to change and going with the flow and situations as they come. However since one things quite significant my whole views and ways of interacting with people were crushed or smashed.
In other words some would say I got what was coming to me. I guess I viewed anything good about my thought process before that as delusional or maybe that once you change one thing, sometimes it can never truly returned to its original state. Sure it can be as good as new or near enough to how it was before. With myself I thought before a few years ago I accepted this and was working on moving on from this accepting what had changed and that didn't matter to me at the time. However that faze so to speak never lasted long enough. I can't really accept myself now nor will anything significantly improve or cause a lee way into allowing some flow from that train to chug so to speak.
As for the seek help this does nothing for myself because I can't accept or work with the therapies that would help me and medication is not needed for myself personally. I have had cbt. I am sure it works for some and please anyone else who reads this I am not saying therapy is wrong or doesn't work or won't be of use because it is and can be of use to so many. However this is regards to me and therapy and personally that doesn't with my view and ethos to others and how it can be of use to me. I just end up picking the processes to pieces or constructively arguing back how that doesn't fit or work for me rather then moving forward. So for any hope or ability to just function regardless of what you think of yourself and just be able to be around others doing the basic to survive in life without a constant personal battle between how and what you are like while working and bickering between co workers because they can't just leave you alone but then it's your own fault for reacting and constructing yourself that way in the first place but they set you off and result in you not being able to calm down or think less paranoid thoughts which are not paranoid when they made it an issue and are constantly bickering and whispering etc.
@Leed re constant guilt. I am guilty for being in a car accident and barely having any injuries when in theory it should have kill you. I hate the you don’t know how lucky you are to be alive or why is it she of all people live when so many others who derive to live die. Like I said I know what I am like as a person and I am sorry in some small insignificant way. Maybe now you will change your mind and agree with the rest that that tiny voice so to speak is right I should just do what would make amends for this and end my life….. I CAN’T DO THAT FOR SOME STRANGE REASON…. I AM SCARED OF DOING THAT to tell the truth. I always thought I was scared of not doing this properly and then having to face people once move and I would have made things so much more wrong then. But the truth is I am scared to try in the first place which is wired considering I don’t like nor enjoy living and never really have much throughout my life.
Another way I though as making amends was just having my job which I had to leave and just paying the bills and doing that which is a basic thing many do. I never wanted to be around nor impact on people job wise or have a career which involved to much impact or working with other in regards to triggering other and myself. But I could do that nor have that and it seems this will never be a thing I am capable of letting myself have or make amends in some strange way or just living and getting out the mass majority of peoples way but to live you have to be around some small unfortunate few who have to or will have to put up with knowing and being around me.
It doesn’t matter what I do next because I will never be able to stop myself from thinking nor feeling this way about things and therefor the chances of ever changing myself and behaviour or being able to do what expected of you are slim and so my chances of making some amends in ways I see fit. I don’t know if anything will make amends and this isn’t something simple but complex I guess to just get out of those way and just do what expect of me for a person my age is what I consider to be amends in some way.
As for god I did believe in a god once but I do not consider myself religious nor do I practice religion myself or feel this would help me getting through these thoughts. I do though still like to believe there is something more out there be it a god or something we call a god.
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