I was doing this mediation where I contemplated why don't I try harder to feel better and these are the thoughts that came out.

Scared of feeling better and then being disappointed that the better wasn't good enough
Scared to shine in case the shine isn't bright enough.
Scared to be gifted if my thoughts are not smart enough
Scared to be happy in case the tears fall in disappointment
Scared to struggle to get better, in case it exposes something worse than the present
Scared to share how I feel, in case they never understand and I become lonely
Scared to be alive if the numbness never ends
Scared to try and die incase it doesn't work