My first three years in T, progress was at a glacial pace (well, pre-global-warming glacial pace). I got almost nowhere, and it was all because I was terrified of my emotions and feeling things and letting go of the carefully-controlled image of who I was. I felt like every aspect of my life had certain "rules" or "right" ways to function, and like I was constantly on guard against anything that didn't fit in with my tightly-controlled environment. So I think I really do get you. The problem was, who I was acting like wasn't really me, exactly, but more who I thought I "should" be. And the longer that went one, the less I felt like I even had a recognizable self or knew what I wanted. It was actually pretty bleak.

T tried to convince me, off and on, that the best solution was to look into medication. Because I absolutely found it impossible (and undesirable) to feel anything or give up control, I was always on guard against feelings, and that meant we couldn't make much progress. For those same reasons, I refused to consider meds for a long time.

I recently decided to give in and give meds a try. And it's working! I just came back from the most enjoyable vacation I've had in a decade. It wasn't even an especially great vacation, but it was fantastic because for the first time I was able to let go and stop getting worked up when things didn't go exactly as planned or when something didn't fit in with my idea of who I was or how things should be.

It's funny, because I thought the idea was that meds would make emotions tolerable. And I guess I must have thought that meant they'd disappear on their own without me having to try so hard. But really, I've been feeling more than before. But it's not bad at all. Before now I just warded off emotions with anxiety. Now, for the first time in a long time, I'm starting to be able to identify actual emotions beyond "anxious." And it's not awful...it actually even feels good sometimes.

Sorry for this long ramble. And I'm not saying that meds are the solution for everyone. But I am saying that I hope you'll find whatever way you can to let yourself feel your emotions. Even feeling bad (which isn't nearly as bad as I'd made it out to be when I was refusing to feel) feels better than feeling nothing at all.

Good luck, KazzaX. It's difficult. But I, at least, am finding it to be SO worth it!