I think Control is a feeling of safety for some, me included. Control over your emotions has worked for you so far, thus made you appear to be who you are ....this may be the self esteem part, although I'm thinking you meant self image, You said your life is unmanageable right now right? Well maybe that defense isn't working as well for you now as it used to ... at least that is where I am. No one is ever a sucker for trying to better themselves. If you trust your T and you trust the process and you know things can get better....maybe you should relinquish a little control at a time, like Hankster said...dip a hoof. It doesn't have to be all or nothing, its probably better if it were slow so as nothing spins out of control. I've used the analogy "controlled burn" before. My T is the Fire Marshall and the burn is releasing and allowing myself to feel those emotions. But it has to be controlled and as parts are burned away, new growth will appear. Just a thought, I feel like we are at the same point in this journey. Sucker or not, I know that I cant continue like I am much longer... its tiring, so we are going to set a little grass on fire and see what happens. My T will help put it out if the flames get to hi, I bet yours would too. Wishing you well.