Been with T since sept 04. Today was our last session of the summer. T always takes 4wks off. Today was the first time I actually wished her a relaxing break.

I remember the first aug, back in 05. When she handed me her holiday dates back then I was traumatised. I spent the whole last session not talking. Hoping the power of sulking would break T down. Omg, how embarrassing now when I think back lol. T later interpreted that silence as my way of communicating how silent and alone her going left me feeling.

I so wouldn't want that time back. It was a very painful time. I couldn't fathom how she could leave me then. I just wanted to explode and blow T up. The rage I felt, the having to talk about it, the whole learning exPereince was awful. The feelings of abandoment and betrayal. T would say "yes but you kept on coming and we survived it. I didn't want to hear that.

I was so stuck in that narcissistic stage of "king baby". No wonder we do our growing up as children, least there's toys to take our minds of the pain of learning other people have needs too lol. Learning this **** as an adult stinks. Lol. But, I wanted to be an adult more than I wanted to remain emotionally stunted. And yes, me and T did survive and it's a rewarding relationship.