thanks

Part of me wishes I could undo the times when I seemed upset by what she would tell me. But then I would have been condoning what she’d done. I felt like a pawn to her, just one of many boys she would fool around with and keep separate. The more I learned, the more it gets confusing. I seemed like an object to her, but that's when she seemed to be confused. Then sometimes, she would say or do things that made me feel like I was special to her, and that feeling is all I can think about. Within the span of a week she could lift me up, just to nock me down with her immature acts. If she’s made her feelings clear, whether they be good or bad, I think this all would have been much easier. But what can I expect from a 15 year old? Despite her troubled past, she seems to have learned very little from it, and continues to make the same mistakes. As did I by letting her close, repeatedly. But she fooled me by telling me what I wanted to hear, which was “I want to be with you” or “I think I’m ready for a relationship now” When you’ve been pinning over someone, offers such as those are nearly impossible to resist.

There was a time when I knew she was dating this other guy (or at least she told me that, but they really weren’t I now understand she just knew it would hurt me to hear that, and it did). She calls me up, asks if I want to come over and I of course said “yes”. Then she tries being physical with me. I didn’t want to have anything to do with it and pushed her off and moved her hands away. She felt rejected, but at the time, I was less concerned about how she felt and more concerned about maintaining my sanity and upholding my principles.

I seem to be all talk and no action regarding this aspect in my life. Yet the more I talk about it, and receive helpful and positive feedback, the easier it is to move on. I think I need a change, like quitting my job at Tim Horton’s. That way I wouldn’t have to see her and when the calls came, I might take one just to tell her why I disappeared from work. Out of site, out of mind.