I can so relate to this! I bully and push myself too hard all the time. I should probably be more gentle too.

Just_some_girl, I feel like I will die from the shame sometimes and nightsky I think you are right, I probably wouldn't have mentioned it if I wasn't starting to move through it. I don't know, it's such a strange thing, because I have actually told two other people about this, but they were in a position to judge me for it. Those people didn't love me. It's a moral spiritual issue and I think I am so afraid of telling T because he really does love me and I am afraid of losing that.

I recently wrote him about how conflicting it is to receive real love. On the one hand I feel it is always with me and will never go away and on the other I am so terrified of losing it, that it's like life and breath.

I think what if it's not reconcilable for him? What if it I find out that I am really a terrible person and I can't be healed of it?