I never felt safe until the first time I asked T to do the backwards hug, years before the absent mother book. and that was the moment I realized I never felt safe before, cos then I finally did feel safe. for like the first.time.ever. now I also feel save when I use my cpap machine. something about putting that mask on is very comforting. I guess I like being cared for in the hospital. makes sense, I got fed breakfast and lunch and dinner and a snack, and I didn't get yelled at.