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Hi Anthony
I've read many of your Posts, and I can certainly identify with many of your concerns. In theory as I read your Posts, it's as if I had travelled back in time and written them myself. In many ways I was so very much like you, and in some ways maybe still am, to some degree.
I just want you to know that you are NOT the only prson out there that has had many of the same thoughts, fears, and experiences like you have. I'm 57 years old, and really just wondering where my life went, it's like I blinked my eyes, and last I remember I was only about 25, lol.
Now, here I am, no longer that shy awkward guy, and wondering how to be this 'new' me, that at times I don't even recognize.
Unlike you however, I eventually became an alcoholic, thinking that booze would help be a more social person. Yeah - right. By the time I got up enough courage to even talk to a gal, I was so drunk, I was stumbling all over the place.
You're gonna do alright, you just need to gain a new perspective in your thinking, as I see it. Being in a relationship isn't going to fix things for ya. Neither will getting a fantastic great job. Nor will having a bunch of friends to hang around with. How can I say such things, I don't even know you, right? Wrong, 'cause see, I'm talking to myself, wishing that I had grasped a new way of thinking, when I was younger.
Well then how can I say that those things aren't going to 'fix' your life? Because, if one's thnking doesn't change, then, you're just gonna lose them within a few years of having all that great stuff. Because you're thinking processes didn't change to keep pace with all of that great social stuff. I know from experience, I couldn't keep any of it, even tho my booze haze told me things were fantastic, because I finally had that great gal, a good paying job, and (people who I thought were) great friends.
In fact, I had all the things that would make a person feel successful, several times during my life. It's really devastating to lose all that several times. Makes ya feel even worse about yourself than you think is even possible.
Anthony, having it all is NOT going to fix a thing about you. Sure, for a time, life is absolutely wonderful, when it all is a part of your life.
RETHINK, it's not the perks of life that make you, you. It is learning to have qualities about yourself, that you want, and desire, and DESERVE.
You deserve those thing in life, not beacause thay make your life somehow 'better', but because they 'enhance' your life. I realize that this is a very fine line, but the difference is vast.
When those things bgin returning to my life this time, I will know that they do not make me who I am. But, that I have worked, and learned about myself enough to finally understand that such thing are the results of what I have become, and NOT the cause of who I have become.
Am I making any sense at all in what I say? If not, it's okay, because I never would've listened to some old hippie spoutin' off seeming nonsense either. LOL.
Now if only I could somehow begin to grasp the possibilities, much as I am just beginning to grasp them now.
Every day, in every way, I am getting better, and better. Because I want to get better, and am learning how to do so.
__________________
"It may look easy
When you look at me
But it took years of effort
To become the mess that you see"
~John Fogerty 
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