I saw my T yesterday for the first time in 4 weeks, as he was on vacation.

Before session I was dry heaving in the toilet. It was purely mental. I felt so sick.

I found the session to be a bit cold. Maybe it was me.

I wrote out a timeline of 'bad things that happened' in my life, and trauma. He asked me to read it to him. It was 4 pages long, typed. I read it, he asked a few questions while I was reading it out which I stopped and answered. At the end he asked how I felt reading it. I said I didn't feel anything, I feel like it happened to someone else.

He said "Yes it's like you are reading out a grocery list. We need cherries, eggs..."

Meanwhile the list had some horrendous things that have happened to me. There isn't any connection emotionally to any of it. Is that strange?

We talked about borderline diagnosis as opposed to complex trauma (which I realize is not a real diagnosis as far as insurance goes). I told him borderline is insulting, that I feel it doesn't take into account all the hard work I have done thus far in my life (stopped SI, risk taking, drugs, and cut way back on drinking). It also feels like the trauma that happened to me in my teen and adult life happened because of a flaw within me, not because of earlier trauma. He said he understands that it's an insulting diagnosis and doesn't like to use it. That I am 'on the borderline of borderline'. That my early life experiences are that of a classic borderline.

He also said the person I present in therapy is very different from the person who emails him. In session I am calm and in control. In my emails I am usually... freaking out.

He has said that I am very close to DID. Like almost on the borderline of that too. We will be doing ego state therapy to get connected to my 'parts'. I have no idea what that will entail.

I felt very detached. It's so strange, because a few days ago I was in hysterics, having panic attacks, crying fits. Then I go to see him and I'm calm as a cucumber. I didn't tell him how much I missed him. I didn't tell him I'm glad he's back. I just sat there mostly.

I really wonder how I am going to get connected to my emotions to do the work. I WANT to be more open about how I feel but I feel a huge disconnect.

I guess it wasn't a bad session. I just wish I felt 'closer' to him.

I did email him after explaining some of my different 'parts' that I feel I have. He has not replied, and usually it's right away. But maybe because it's the weekend. I can't help to think I'm being punished for something I did or said.