damajdancer,

There is hope. I have been where you are and know others who have too. We are surviving and you will make it too. The horror you have been through was wrong and you deserved so much better. At this time, take just one step at a time. Try to find a safe place in your mind and in your soul. Know also that it is o.k. to cry and grieve over what you have been through, and know that you can be safe today.

Your black outs are part of how you are coping with the stress right now. Many of us go through this and you will make it through this. No matter what, stay true to yourself and don't let others criticize you for being upset. Give yourself little comforts for now (mine is warm milk) and keep faith that you will find people who will help you, starting right here. You don't have to be alone. You can turn away from those who won't help you and keep looking to find people who will. We are here for you and you will find others also.

I know you are afraid and I wish I could do more right now. I know your fear too well. Most of all, you have a courageous soul. I can feel it in how honest you are in what you express here. That courage will carry you through and help you to heal.

Be well,

mtd