something just feels so out of whack. i talked about that with my T today. we also talked a lot about my dad, he has noticed all the really really powerful feelings (bad) that come up whenever I talk about him.

and today someone dropped me some more photos of a recent event where a bunch of my friends got together to help out someone in trouble. he didn't even ask for help they just swarmed. i ask for help, for specific things, and they just don't have the time. which of course means i am not important enough for them to make the time. but they can make time for other things.

i talked about my lack of trust today basically because it is no longer strictly in the realm of my depression and negative attitude. I have tried to come out and be honest with people and they are sympathetic but can't spare the time.

to be honest i think there is a problem of assumption. i do know that i am good with people honest and sensitive and willing to give. i'm always there when someone needs something. its not that i think they don't appreciate that i just think they assume i must have so much reciprical action that I'm taken care of. that's why i've started telling people specifically how bad off i've been and what i need, how long it has been since someone visited etc. but either they don't understand or they don't want to understand i don't know but honestly i really can't fathom it. the reality is such a huge disconnect from what i thought was the truth, and then the depression makes it seem even worse than it is

i have to try to sleep. for some reason it is very hot in here tonight though i think it is still cold outside.

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-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
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