Hello, everyone.

My name is Yuumi and I'm nineteen years old.

I've never been diagnosed, but I feel like I might have bipolar disorder (or something similar to it, at least) because of what I've been experiencing. I would have depressive periods and overly energetic periods that alternate, to the point when it's annoying to others. I get periods of normal moods as well (that being me being neither depressed or too energetic), but they only last a maximum of three days. After that, I would either fall into a deep depression, or be very hyper. Usually the longer ones are the depressive states.

Both states are hard for me to control; if I do have any control at all, it's very little, especially during my depressive states. During those times I will usually have one random day when I'll just be extremely angry but depressed at the same time. During that time, I will usually have some sort of self-destructive rage and I would cry, scream, claw at myself and basically hurt myself anyway I can. They get worse as they come too.

I try to distract myself so people won't suspect that something is wrong with me. It's quite hard to hide and appear like I'm feeling normal (especially when I'm feeling very energetic, since my job involves sitting at a desk all day; it's my depressive states that usually gets me into trouble though).

Now, I live currently outside the United States. I like people in the country where I'm living right now, but I don't trust the business establishments; I feel like they're only going to get money off of me. My last encounter with a business establishment did exactly that, which I believe is what led me to become this way in the first place. Hospitals are still business establishments; you pay them so that they can treat you. However, since I don't trust them enough to seek treatment (or let alone, a diagnosis) and I don't plan on going to a doctor until I go back to the US in about six years.

Does anybody have any advice on how I can keep me from harming myself any further? I really hate whatever I'm going through right now. Any distraction/coping methods will help.

Thanks in advance.

~Yuumi