Hello Yuumi, I'm not much older than you, twenty-four, and my symptoms are very similar to yours. I wouldn't go to a doctor until a close friend worked at least a year to convince me to go.

I was very self-harming as a child, though no one knew, but I grew out of it. Recently, my suicidal thoughts have gotten worse and I have cut myself a few times as an alternative to committing suicide.

Despite your mistrust for the hospitals there, it couldn't hurt to give it a try. The worst thing that could happen is that they tell you there's nothing wrong. As bad off as I am right now, I am medicated and definitely better. If there's a chance of getting help, maybe you could try it out anyways.

As for the self-harming, there's just no point. It doesn't make anything any better. The feeling is just part of a cycle that is going to keep coming back. You have to learn not to give in to it. You're better than your illness. You can do it.