I know what you mean! I can sit and just talk out load about everything that is bothering me when I'm by myself. All the things I want to say to T. I can cry, I can get mad, I can be in touch with my emotions. Then I get to T and I am robot. I don't know how to express myself to him. But I will send these long emails about how much pain I'm in, how much I hate myself (yuck), and how I think he's going to leave me!

I've always been able to express myself better through written word.
I also sometimes worry about what he is thinking and he doesn't like that. Because I can't read his mind, that's his job to read mine.. so he says!

I think maybe what bothers me is that he can't be a part of my life in the way I want. I wish he could be my friend. His strong character makes a big impression on me. Like I need that type of person in my life. He has said that I am going to be a long term client. So that helps.

I do wish I could see him more often though. I am paying out of pocket now ($150 / session) and can only afford to see him twice a month. That might be what's bothering me too. Two weeks is a long time to go in between sessions. Hard to remain close. He has said he could possibly work pro-bono for me. But that hasn't been brought up again, I worry about him resenting me if he gives me free sessions. It's difficult to ask.