Hello! I'm new here, and I found this place because I've been really struggling lately with my illness. My doctor suggested online support groups because of my work schedule and the availability of such groups in my area, and I'm really hoping you guys can give me a little insight. Forgive me for such a long post.

To give some background, I am twenty-four and I was diagnosed with bipolar two years ago, though I suspect it's been going on for maybe six years or so. I've been on medication the majority of this time, except last summer, when something made me think that I could stop cold turkey and be fine. That was most certainly not the case, and I have been medicated since. I've also hardly missed a dose since that point as well.

I've been married for almost four years now. It's been a struggle and things have been so different than I ever imagined. We did not live together prior to getting married, and I blamed it on that at first.

In the beginning, he just started completely annoying me. We worked together and worked the same shift, although we didn't see each other much at work due to the environment and such. We would get home around the same time, and from the moment we got home until he got ready to go to bed, he was playing video games. When we were off on Saturday and Sunday he was playing video games. If there was food, it was because I went grocery shopping and cooked. Clean clothes, me. Clean apartment, me. Bills paid, me. I would ask if we could go do something together and he would tell me to see what our friend was doing (I have a small group of friends consisting of my husband and a mutual friend) and do something with him.

About a year later my husband lost his job, and I was left the only one working. I thought he would be more helpful, but things stayed the same. He spent the same money, still played games all the time, still wouldn't help with anything. At this point I had decided to go back to school for my Bachelor's degree (I graduated with my Associate's right after we got married), but I ended up having to quit. After a few months, he went back to an old boss and started working at McDonald's.

He quit at McDonald's only a month ago. I begged and pleaded for him to look for a better job, but I honestly don't know that he looked. He would say he couldn't get to the application and give a reason (not necessarily a bad one), and then the next day tell me he applied a week ago.

Anyways, all the while I would tell him, "Hey, I need some help every once in a while." I would work a lot of overtime (sometimes 18 hours a day) to make the bills come together, only to come home to no food, nothing to cook, no clean clothes, and him still in pajamas because he was off work that day.

The past two years have been the roughest. I finally told him that I couldn't take it anymore and if he wasn't willing to fix the problems that I was outlining for him, then I was going to have to leave. It was too much stress and I just couldn't handle it. Then he would get better for a few weeks, but then it would just all slide back downhill. He never said I was wrong about the issues, he always admitted that I was completely right. But for the past two years that's the cycle. "I'm going to leave." And then things are amazing for a few weeks, then it slides till I say I can't do it. Then he begs for another chance and it starts all over again.

I know it's my fault for giving those chances, but I married him and I married him to stay with him, so I'm doing everything I can to make it work. My family especially tells me how ridiculous it is and that I need to leave him for good, but the fact is I love him to death.

Currently he is living with the mutual friend I mentioned earlier, and I am living with my family. I feel I can't discuss much with my family because they hate my husband with the most passion imaginable, and they also don't believe I should be seeing a psychiatrist or taking medication. After two years of explaining my condition, my mother finally believes that there actually is a such thing as bipolar, but it's only because someone at church has a wife suffering from it. The man mentioned "manic" and my mum looked at me and said, "Oh, so that really DOES exist?"

I guess I failed to mention also that I have always been suicidal. I can't remember a time that I wasn't. A lot of it subsided until about two years ago, when things started to get really bad between my husband and I. There were no attempts, but a lot of dwelling on it. It always makes me pull away a lot and withdraw. I'm withdrawn enough, but I would even pull away from our friend (whom I am EXTREMELY close with).

So us separating was pretty much my doing. I just really couldn't take it anymore. And on top of that, my husband decided he wanted to move two hours away and work for his family (they own some McDonald's stores). That was so not the plan for our future when we got married. He wanted nothing to do with that then, he wanted us to do everything on our own, and we had planned on staying here and working until we could move somewhere else (we both have always wanted to leave the southern US), but all of that kind of faded when he lost his job. I understand people change, and their hopes and desires change, but he said he wanted to do this right after our finances got a little stable and I started going back to school for the second time since graduating. That was when I asked if we could hold off until I finished school. The money he would be making was less than what I make at my job, and if we moved, I would be starting from scratch. So I wanted to at least finish my degree first in hopes it would give me a little more opportunity when we moved. He wasn't very happy with it, though he finally agreed about six months ago.

Now, he's changed his mind. He wanted to pick up and go now and I told him no. He says he wants a chance to prove to me he can do it, but I just don't think it's a good situation. That's a good part of the reason we separated. Now, I have a chance to move to the northwest (which is my dream!) with my job, get a raise, and go to a better school for cheaper. I want nothing more than to take the opportunity, but it doesn't change the fact that I love my husband, and that he is the best emotional support I have. And we've only been separated for a little more than a month, but I can't seem to do without him. All I do is cry.

The part that scares me is my inconsistency. I know this is a difficult situation, and I know I should expect to be depressed, angry, bitter, etc. But why is that one day I want him there, I feel so incredibly willing to go with him to work for his family, my dreams don't matter and I'm not upset about giving them up, etc, and then the next day I can't stand the thought of not going after what I want? It's like I'm bouncing back and forth uncontrollably. It makes me wonder which decision is ME? Which feeling is ME? Which decision is the foolish one?

If he would let me finish school we wouldn't have this problem. I went out on a limb and asked him to move with me (it would only be for two years), and then we could move and let him work for his family for the rest of his life if he wants. He said no though. He said that was too much. But I don't feel like it is. I broke it down like this to try to see how much I was really asking:
- Denver: where I want to go. I have a very good paying job, I have a school opportunity, I know about two people. He doesn't have a job, but it's a big area, and I'm confident he could find something at least equivalent to McDonald's, he doesn't know anyone. We go for two years.
- Birmingham: where he wants to go. He has an alright paying job, he knows his family. I have no job, though the area is decently-sized so I could at least get a retail job, I'm sure, there's not much there for me as far as school, I know his family. We stay there forever.

Anyways, that's a lot, and I'm sorry to write so much, but I thank you so much if you read this far. My main struggle is just fear that this is all the bipolar talking. I'm afraid that nothing is actually wrong. My mind changes so quickly that it scares me. How can I be so ready to give up what I always wanted one moment to stay with him, and then the next minute I'm so pissed off about it that it's the last thing I want to do? I know a lot of my emotions are situational right now, but this uncertainty has me so scared. I don't want to decide something and then realise twenty years later that I only made that decision because I was so bad off at the time.

Thanks so much for reading, I really appreciate any kind of insight anyone has.