Thank you, nightsky. I could definitely see sometimes when your T was not at his best, that there is something similar about him and my T when he is not at his best. It REALLY has a lot to do with making me crazy about my own perceptions, and it's pretty damaging. Now I'm a lot better than I was before about trusting what I perceive to be true and not true, but it's so upsetting when I don't see that reflected in T. It feels so distant.

I did tell him I wanted to take a break. I first said I was considering it, but didn't give an actual start date, a few weeks ago. I mentioned it a couple times, and then last week he said something that just made everything seem totally hopeless, and I said I would go in last Friday, but then I needed the break. I said, though, that I'd consider giving him a sort of "two weeks notice", then taking the break, rather than not coming in at all. Did we discuss the break on Friday? Of course not! We never agreed on anything. The first he even mentioned it to me was in an e-mail on Friday afternoon, saying that he was hoping to be "clearer" on Monday (our usual next day) about something he'd been saying that day, and that he wasn't trying to "trick" me into coming in Monday, just really wanted to talk. So I guess I am supposed to take from that the he assumed I wasn't coming in on Monday, even though we never talked about it. Thanks, T. Indirectness always makes these situations better.

Thanks Button. I have tried talking to him about this over and over, in person, on the phone, via e-mail, even via poetry. He knows everything I've said above, although somehow it doesn't seem to go through -- last week, when I finally said, "I'm taking a break, and I'm starting pretty much now," he finally said, "I think I'm clearer on some of the things that are upsetting you. I guess in light of what you've been telling me, many of the things I have been bringing up around it are irrelevant to how you're feeling." Yes, T. Yes they are.

Aw thanks hankster. Yeah, I have done everything but an interpretive dance. I told him the last time I had one foot out the door that I really hated having to get to the point where I'm pretty much checked out before he comes through, and that I hated doing it with my husband, too. At least H has come around to see that that's a bad way to operate! And then on the phone last week, when he said "I think I understand what's been bothering you now," I told him that it made me furious that it had to come to this before he really listened.

I've even found myself saying stuff I would really prefer not to say at all because it just sounds so mean. I told him that this kind of thing definitely adjusted the fantasies I have sometimes of us being together in an actual couple if the world had been different -- that considering that this keeps happening, he probably wouldn't actually make me very happy. That sounds so rough, but I am running out of things to say! My head has been scoured clean of every thought I've had around this. I even just wrote him an e-mail with copied quotes from other e-mails correcting him on the timing of the s*** that's been happening, which he keeps screwing up. That seemed irrelevant before, but right now it's like, hey, while I'm letting you know how wrong you are about this, I might as well add that you don't even have the dates right.

I know what you mean about feeling like, of all people to be defensive with, why me? A patient who genuinely loves him and has no real agenda surrounding him? I have a few ideas about where it's coming from...

Thanks Chopin... it does seem like it's some kind of pattern of his, that I keep stumbling upon this thing that he doesn't want to address. You're right in saying we could speculate about it forever, only he can figure out it.

The best guess I have is that he's insecure about being a good therapist. He needs to be the good guy. And mostly, he is a very good therapist, and he CAN frequently admit when he's done something wrong... he just did that a couple weeks ago, and it was just a human mistake and so I had no problem just letting it pass. It's just every so often, especially when it comes to problems of being consistent, it's like he just stops dealing with it like a normal adult person. In the past, it has seemed to be about trying to stick to a plan that he has doubts about. For instance, for a while he was trying to do a more Freudian thing, being very distant and saying very little and having me lie on the couch -- but that approach was absolutely wrong for me. I made it clear that I was struggling, and I think he felt torn about it, where on one hand it seemed like something warmer and more dynamic would be better, but on the other, the whole Freud thing was supposed to work. So it was like he just clammed up about the whole thing.

I don't know, maybe something like that is happening now. Now that I think about it, that does add an extra dimension to it -- I wonder whether he feels guilty about having a less flexible schedule, and that's why he keeps acting like that fact is upsetting me (it doesn't), rather than the fact that he made certain promises a while ago and then suddenly stopped keeping them without any explanation. Hmm... I think I might owe you $150.

Thanks guys!

Gosh, that sounds like such a nightmare! Thank you for relating, though -- it is, indeed, infuriating when it feels like someone's just not even trying to engage. Obviously your T had her own issues with venturing into any new territory at all... it seems even more insensitive to me that you were asking her for some pretty concrete things and she couldn't even bring herself to try. Ugh!

It might be time for a new T, I dunno. That's kinda why I want to take a break first and just not be talking about this 3-4 times a week with him. I'm also hoping the break gives him time to pull it together and think of something that might fix this, because I'm out of ideas. Not holding my breath, though.

Thanks Bunny! Yeah, he is usually a really nice guy actually. But this jerk side of him is really just... not fun to deal with. And I don't think I should have to deal with a jerk side at all.

Aw thanks MKAC. Yeah, we have done really good things together... I owe him a lot, really, for my getting to where I am now. When things are good, they are so good! But when things are bad... aaaaaagggh. I hope he can pull it together too. Right now I have no expectations, just looking for a reprieve and giving both of us a chance to rest up and see if we can give it one more try before I give up on him.

Thanks everyone for your responses and hugs. It's so therapeutic just to talk about it! We'll see what happens tomorrow... I sent him an e-mail (same one I mentioned in responding to hankster) saying that I was thinking about it earlier today, and I really wanted to ask him if he felt he'd done everything possible to heal the rift that has been developing between us. Then I realized that neither answer would make me feel better: "yes" would mean this is the best he thinks he can do, and this is just not good enough for me; "no" would mean he is holding off his best effort for some later time, when it already feels like it's too late. Ugh.